Love in Life and Death

Part of the Journey this year was the sad and tragic loss of one of my best friends. Since we met back in the begining of High School, we have been through A LOT to say the least! We have loved, hated, laughed, cried, married, divorced (she did), gave birth, been to funerals, wittnessed heartbreak, and loved with all of our hearts. Our friendship was tested and prevailed. In her last months, I was able to really see what the Lord was doing in her heart, and I was so greatful to be a part of that. She leaves behind 2 beautiful daughters who are very precious to me and whom I will invest my time in and see to it that her mother's wishes for them come true. (to the best of my ability) She passed away on February 16th, 2011 at 10:12 am. I was blessed to be by her side as she took her last breath. when they were able to take the machines off, she was smiling. It is sweet to my soul that she is with the Lord in a new body, and is no longer suffering. She suffered a great deal in her last 18 months of life, especially the last 3 months. Rest in peace my sweet sister, your legacy will live on, and one day we will see you again! In Teaira's death, The Lord has put a new song in my heart and a desire and passion to help in any way I can to bring awareness to Cancer research. Teaira specifically died from complications from (ALL) Leukemia. All cancers are horrible, all cancers need to be eradicated, however, I would like to shine a light on this particularly terrible cancer as I and others feel it is less in the light of other more common cancers. I am working on establishing a foundation in Teaira's name to hopefully help other single parents or patients with no insurance that are suffering from any cancer, but with a focus on Leukemia. I pray this will bring awareness and Honor to my dear friend. Her death was not in vein. AMEN!

Time to catch up..

I know, I know..I'm a slacker. I really have not felt the inspiration to write lately. Until now :)

Not much has changed. I homeschooled my oldest daughter this past school year, it went well. She is ready for Public School again. I'm nervous! She applied to the honors program, and was accepted (thankfully), I guess homeschooling her 1 1/2 yrs. above grade level paid off! Now, I really know why so many Mom's have "bad knees" as these are the years we spend so much time praying over our babies!! I will need knee replacements by the time I'm done! :) My other babies are doing really well. They all finished out the year with teriffic grades, I'm super proud of them, as they sure had their challenges, but rose above them and allowed God to use them and they were able to see the harvest! Praise GOD! In the last several months, I have been walking through a Desert,(not dessert!) It has definately been one of the toughest things in my life, (that is part of the reason I have not been writing) BUT, our God is faithful, and I am learning SO much, and am seeing the oasis in this desert! Praise HIM!! I will post about my journey as I feel led, in the meantime..I hope all are enjoying their summer and having a great time with family and friends! Stay safe, and don't forget your sunscreen! :)

FINALLY! --found a name that I feel is where my heart is

FAR ABOVE RUBIES

taken from proverbs 31:10.
I really love this entire proverb, it is about the virtuous wife. Most Christian women use this as a staple for their lives, including myself. I have always loved it, but not always LIVED it. I still fall short, daily, however the difference I feel now from before, is the new love that I now have for my husband. It used to be more of a chore to love the man I married, but, after all we have been through, especially our most recent challenges, God has given me a love I have never felt before. It has become much easier to do my very best to live out this proverb, and more than that, I WANT to be this woman! For my husband, myself, my children and most importantly..FOR MY FATHER GOD.

sitting in my own prison cell

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm so angry all the time. I need a new coping mechanisim. I can't drink, I can't pop pills, I can't freak out and go crazy..what is left? Why am I so angry all the time? I know that I have many good reasons to be, but I can't seem to let them go! Oh how I wish to be set free. Yes, I am so scared at that thought I stay in my own prison. I read a book yesterday by my good freind courtenay, we have a lot in common through our lives. In her book she describes a vision of herself in a prison cell w/chains binding her wrist, upon closer examination in this vision, she see's that the chains are not locked together just merely draped tightly around them. Upon even closer examination she notices that the door to the prison cell is wide open! yet she chooses to stay in her own "safe" prison, never setting herself truly free. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God died for me, to set me free my from sins and past, yet I cannot seem to grasp the revelation of that freedom, the gift he has given me..freely! I am the one in that self made prison now. I want to be free, yet the thought of that freedom scares me so bad, that I am willing to stay in my own prison. Alone, afraid, tired, weary, depressed, defeated. How do I let myself out? HOW do I get the revelation I so desprately need to walk out of prison? I am in church every sunday, yet, by sunday afternnon, I am in my "comfy" prison cell again. I just don't understand how I have ended up this way.

30 days of truth..i forgot what day..

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

hmmmm..not really sure..can't say that I wish I didn't know any specific person, there are a few I wish I had met under different circumstances, however they were a necessary part of my life.

I guess if I have to choose, I would say my step-father (ex step dad) As he was my "abuser." More than anything though, I wish he would be accountable for what he did and how he destroyed my life. I know that will never happen, at least not here on earth. It gets easier with time to let him go, and what he did to me. My oldest daughter is now the age I was when he started to abuse me, so I am reminded more of what happend than in previous years, and have become VERY protective of my kids. I need to write him a "farewell letter", guess that's another topic for another day. In the meantime, I can say, "what goes around, comes around" and "karma's a bitch", oh! and "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord"..the last time I saw him, he had re-married his first wife, and she was on the list for a heart transplant, and he went from a high paying job to stocking shelves at wal-mart (no offense to those who may work there) I know it is a respectable job, but he worked in programming at a large bank and made well over 100K a year, so this was a downgrade for him. Anyway, see ya' BOB, and I pray one day God will deliver me from the anger I have lived with toward you, cause I am the only one paying for your crimes. May God have mercy on your soul, cause I don't.

30 days of truth- day 9 or 10 ..something like that! :)

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted...

My (guy) best friend, Charles. we met the summer of 5th grade, he was a skater boy, and I was IN LOVE! lol. The first time I ever snuck out of my house was to see him, I got caught by the barking dog next door, and was immediately grouded for a month! (I think this was the only time my mom stuck to a punishment) I was devistated, for a 6th grader to be grounded from her new "boyfriend" it was the end of life as I knew it, and out "relationship"..we stayed friends, and as the next couple of years passed by, he began to get into some trouble. His mother moved him out to Keystone (out in the "country") in hopes that the slower life would keep him on the strait and narrow. (little did she know that putting him in the middle of nowhere, only stirred his curiosity to get into MORE trouble out of sheer boredom!) anyway..we continued to stay freinds through letters and phone calls, and when it came time for graduation, He made sure I was there. It was the begining of a budding relationship for us once again, really we were just "there for each other" we both had busy lives, and lived about 1 1/2 hrs. away, so there was not a lot of time to spend together. We tried to get together once a month or so and spend a weekend together. charles was one of the only people I knew (growing up) that accepted me for me. No questions, no judgeing, no disagreements..just accepted me with open arms and loved me unconditionally. I wanted him to give me away at my wedding, but I guess after all we had been through over our years, it was too much emotion envolved. We still remained friends for several years, but things were never the same for us after I got married..I remember one year on my birthday David (my husband) planned a surprise party for me, he called Charles and invited him, but he did not come..I called to find out why, and he thought David was setting him up, he thought he was gonna get a "beat down" when he got to our house. LOL..eventually our friendship faded out. The last time we spoke was when I called to tell him I was pregnant with Ashlyn. I have no idea where he is now, last time I spoke to his mom (a few years ago) she said he lived near me, but I have yet to run into him. I miss him a lot. I pray that life has been good to him since we parted ways, and that one day I will see him when we get to heaven and he can fill me in on all that I have missed :)

30 Days of Truth- Day 8

time to get back in the groove..

Someone who made my life hell, or treated me like Poo.

Well there are probably a few people in my life who would fall into this category, but I really don't want to give them the credit the deserve (or more truthfully, want) so I'm just gonna say a few words about "them" without naming names and move on.

For starters, those who fall into this category.."What goes around comes around", Vengence is mine sayeth the Lord, and HE can do much worse then I could dream of.
People who harm children.."eye for an eye"

God is working on my heart for the things that I have lived through, I am not a judgemental person, however, My God is. I'll let him handle the rest. :)