Someone who has made my life worth Living for:

Well this may be "breaking the rules" but there are a few people I need to mention in this blog, cause without them, I truly would not be here...

First and foremost I must make mention of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, cause without him, NONE of us would be here..and I would not have been blessed with the others who have helped me through it ALL! Without God, my life would not be worth living.

My Mom and my grandmas..the women in my family are the true matriarchs that kept us all together, even when we wanted to take the others life. (and trust me, there were those days!) My mom was a single mom for a good portion of my younger years, and even when she did re-marry, she was careful (as possible) to not let my step-father take over my bio dad's position. She was mom and dad, and that is one tough role. She did her best, and I think she did pretty good. She has become one of my closest friends now that I am an adult, and I know as my mom she will always have my best interest at heart. my grandma (mom's mom) was truly the cream of the crop! She was so wise, funny, opinionated, a party animal, and had a heart of gold till her last breath. She would give you the last dime she had, and oozed the love of God every time you saw her. She was famous for her wisdom and all of my friends growing up adopted her as their own. I miss her more than anyone in my life that has gone on to be with the Lord. I miss her warm smile and incredible advice the most. She was always waiting with open arms and a big hug when I would visit her, she was famous for her chicken soup that would heal every sickness you could think of..to this day, even though I know the recipe, it does not taste the same, cause her secret ingredient of the special love she brought to it, is missing...
My best friend, Angela..we have know each other since we were 5 and 4 (we are 362 days apart) her dad and my mom dated in high school..so we really go WAY back! we are like female soul mates, it never ceases to amaze me the things we go through together and sometimes one right after the other. Where she is strong, I am weak and vice-verse. we are truly a compliment to each others personalities, and I know that I could not do this life without her!
My precious babies! ..they are the reason I wake up every morning, the reason I cling to this life when things are bleak, the reason I keep on keeping on..(other than God of course!) they are the light of my life. I am soooo blessed to have them. when I was a young 19 yr. old. I lost a baby 10 days before Christmas, to an ectopic pregnancy. I was told at that time due to insanely crazy female problems up to that point that I would probably not carry a baby to term and that I would more than likely need serious medical intervention in order to have kids, if I was that lucky. Yeah, thanks doc. well just over 1 yr. later, I was indeed pregnant, WITHOUT medical intervention, and with a HEALTHY baby girl! I did have complications, and I didn't carry to term..(term is 40 weeks) I carried to 38 weeks. so, little did this doctor know, that I serve a BIG GOD who can work miracles that are beyond what any human can comprehend! 2 more babies were to follow, now, I did have to have medical intervention w/those pregnancies, however, the "medical intervention" only got my body working again. (I had PCOS) basically, my body shut down the baby making for a while..the drugs I had to take got the motor running again, and I was able to get pregnant on my own, no drugs, no petrie dish, no donated eggs..Just the good ol' God given natural way..SO..than you JESUS, once again, your love never fails. Those babies you gave me are the love of my life!
and last but not least of them..my husband. YES! we have had a roller coaster of a ride so far, and even have almost divorced, twice! however, he has loved me beyond myself, and I am learning to do the same. It is much easier to walk away, then to look the issue in the eye and face it! I am a fighter, and I thrive on challenge, so, even though we are on this roller coaster, we are on it TOGETHER, and I would not have it any other way, cause I'm scared to death of heights!! lol.

so, there are the "main characters" that make my world go round..however, there are many people that have contributed to my life and made this world a better place to be. so, thank you to all my friends and family that have been there for me, and I pray all of you be blessed beyond measure.

30 days of truth- Day 6 (i think)

Something I hope I never have to do:

This one took me several days to think about..I still don't really have a good answer, as we all have the typical things we hope we never have to do. So, I guess I am going to list some things "bucket list" style.

1)I hope I NEVER have to go through the loss of a child. (that I have given birth to, as I did lose a child via eptopic preg.)
2)I hope I don't become a young grandma because someone has stolen the heart of my child and talked them into something they are not ready for.
3)I hope that I don't have to deal w/a divorce, I've come close a couple times (same marriage) and just the thought of all the pain is enough to make me fall apart.
4)I hope that I never permanently lose my integrity, compromise my character or live a life that does not leave some sort of legacy.
5)I hope that my children, (NEVER QUESTION) if they listen to nothing I have ever said to them, at least know the Love of God and the love that their father and I have for them is unconditional and forever eternal.

some random thoughts for the day- aug 24

So, this morning I had one of those moments you wish you could take back. one where instead of opening your mouth, you should have kept it shut or at least inserted your foot, instead of running the trap! unfortuately this "victim" was my poor unassuming daughter. I didn't say anything harsh, just shared some of MY feelings that should have waited for another time and place. I would rather it had been almost anyone else but her! hopefully God will hear my prayer, and remove any memory of our conversation.

also, this was posted to my FB page via the application "God wants you to know"...

"There is no WAY to happiness, happiness IS the way. Happiness does not come from seeking new landscapes, but from having new eyes on the same life you've always been living.

let's just say God has been reading my journal, blog and anything else I have written..not to mention what is on my heart!!!

OK, I'm off to my therapy appt. yeah, I'm in therapy! probably will be the rest of my life!

30 days of Truth - Day 5

Something I hope to do in my life:

I would really love to go back to school and obtain 2 degrees. I want to be a doctor, although I would settle for a nurse, and I want an arts degree. I love to help people, and I just feel it in my spirit. I also love the arts. Dancing, Photography, Painting, Drawing, anything that will allow me a creative outlet. Art is healing for me. I have been trying on and off to get back into school, but it must not be the right time, because something always gets in the way. When it is God's timing, it will happen smoothly. To be honest, there are so many other things going on in my life and around me, I kindof thank God for unanswered prayers. (for now anyway)

30 Days of Truth- Day 4

Something I have to forgive someone for:

wow! this one is going to be tough for me. I have actually 2 people I have to forgive. My biological father, and my (ex) step-father. I am not in a place where I can go into details as to their offenses to me. I have learned over the years that the more anger and bitterness I carry around for these 2 significant men in my life, the more depressed, anger and hurt I feel. I am coming to terms with the fact that in order to move on and walk in freedom, I must set my feelings free and give them completely and fully to God! I know..that is sooooo much easier said than done! I have forgiven them many times in prayer, and even said to one of them that I forgive him. However, I tend to pick up that anger and bitterness when it's convenient for me, when I'm having a bad day, month or year, When things are not going right for me, when life isn't working out the way I PLANNED. It's easy to blame others who have hurt you for the problems and issues we face, after all, it is their offenses that have caused you such undue pain and distress, thus bringing on complications in life. I am learning that the only way I will ever be free from my emotions and destructive feelings, is to walk in forgiveness. After all, does the Bible not say "ye who is without sin, cast the first stone?" God is no respector of persons, their sin, my sin, your sin, is all the same to God. There are no different "levels" of sin, even though it would be nice to be able to say that about some of the particurarly heinous ones. Thank You GOD for forgiving me for my wrong doings..and PLEASE help me to forgive those, as you have forgiven me. Show me how to extend your grace to those who have hurt me. Help me to see past what they have done to me, and see them with YOUR eyes God, to see through to their hearts, to find the good in them, and truly be able to let it go, and receive my freedom.

30 Days of Truth- Day 3

Something I have to forgive myself for:

My PAST..I know, most of us would probably say this. Some of us may embrace it, I hear a lot of people say "I don't regret anything from my past cause it made me who I am." I used to be one of those people. Some things from our past do shape who we are today, but there are a lot of things that I am not proud of, and do truly regret. I wish I had been taught more about self-respect and living with the choices I make. Sure my mom and others talked to me some about those things, but when I tested the waters so to speak, I was left to my own doing, and that is where the regrets piled up. I regret not being a virgin when I married my husband, I now know why it is so important to save that gift for your spouse. I recently heard a wise young man (son of a popular christian woman/author) say as he was speaking about sex on a youtube video he said "No wonder we have issues with staying together when we are married and have trouble giving themselves to just one person" basically I gave myself away one piece at a time for so long, that by the time I married my husband, there was nothing left of me to give. IT IS SOOO TRUE! and not just in the sex realm, I feel incomplete in so many ways from giving myself to others, in many ways. compromising my morals, and so on. I regret no making better choices for myself, such as staying in school (college) even, high school. I graduated w/ my GED, but sadly as lot of companies don't recognize a GED as an actual diploma. I am (was) trying to get back into college, but my past is now coming back to haunt me in trying to get re-enrolled. I know that I have been forgiven for my mistakes and poor choices, however it does not mean that I don't regret them and am now still paying for them to some degree. I tend to re-hash my past quite a bit, I have a difficult time moving on, and it has left me in a tough place as I am terrified of making decision now because I don't really trust myself, and that is a very sad, scary place to be. So, My PAST is what I need to forgive myself for and I pray that day will come..for the sake of myself and my children. I don't want to pass down this legacy.
here is the video I mentioned. It pertains to sex before marriage, but is good, and heartfelt:

30 Days of Truth- Day 2

Something I LOVE about myself:

UGH! this is soooo much harder to do then something I hate about myself. Why is that? let me see....

OH!

I LOVE that I have tremendous strength! well, in most situations. I am not talking about physical strength...I'm talking about the dig deep down into your soul kinda strength. The kind you tap into when you are praying for your sick child, or the kind of strength you need to forgive a wayward spouse, or to support a friend through cancer..THAT kind of strength! The kind that I never realized I had, until recently when I faced many of the situations mentioned. I have had a fairly typical life on the outside. Most people who are acquainted with me would think that my life is very "American dreamish" Bwahahahahaha..sorry. NOT EVEN CLOSE! In all fairness to those folks, I am pretty good at giving that perception. HOWEVER, if you REALLY know me, then you know my life has been intertwined w/many sorrows and struggles. All of which have given me a very deep strength, deeper than most, yet similar to others who have faced likewise trials. So, what I love about myself...
Is my DEEP INNER STRENGTH ..that is UNTOUCHABLE! That was put there by the most high God, cause only HE knows what I need to get through it all and STILL come out to be the very best I can be! (God knows I try!)

30 Days of Truth- Day 1

Before


Well I am hopping on the truth train, something I really need in my life. I hope I find out some things I need to know, and maybe face some truth that I have been avoiding? we'll see.. so here goes

Something I hate about myself:

That is fairly easy, right now anyway. I hate that I am overweight, and obviously have an addiction to food! I know a lot of people may be facing this issues, but for me to say that out loud or put that in writing is, well, overwhelming and very painful...I guess I should say "I hate food"..not my weight..or maybe I hate that I abuse food, and that in turn has caused me to be overweight..anyhow..I have never been a "fat minded" person. I was never overweight as a child. I never knew what it was like to shop in the plus size section as a teen or young adult. I was not a judgemental person toward others who struggled, as we all have our issues. It was not until I got married and started my family that I started to gain weight. At first I'm sure it was because I was not as active (even though I was at home w/a baby) I was not exercising as much, and not nearly as active as I was prior. I also started to deal with my emotions and past, with food. It became my "drug of choice" after all, I could not open a bottle of wine w/a baby in toe, or pop a pill to make me sleep or whatever. Food was "harmless" and gave me the desired effect of numbing and controlling my emotions whatever they may be at that moment. Believe me, they were all over the place! I hate that I use food as a coping mechanism. the ONLY one! Slowly, over the years my body has morphed from the young, slender, beautiful woman...to the overweight, overly emotional, out of control, food addicted woman. I really hate the person I have become through Food. What is supposed to be "a fuel to sustain life" has become "my way to avoid feeling life" and in turn, has turned me into the person I never thought I would be, or could imagine being. Truth hurts, but it also heals. The WORD says "The TRUTH shall set you free" not, "FOOD shall set you free"



After

Deep Breath.......OK. Done.