FINALLY! --found a name that I feel is where my heart is

FAR ABOVE RUBIES

taken from proverbs 31:10.
I really love this entire proverb, it is about the virtuous wife. Most Christian women use this as a staple for their lives, including myself. I have always loved it, but not always LIVED it. I still fall short, daily, however the difference I feel now from before, is the new love that I now have for my husband. It used to be more of a chore to love the man I married, but, after all we have been through, especially our most recent challenges, God has given me a love I have never felt before. It has become much easier to do my very best to live out this proverb, and more than that, I WANT to be this woman! For my husband, myself, my children and most importantly..FOR MY FATHER GOD.

sitting in my own prison cell

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm so angry all the time. I need a new coping mechanisim. I can't drink, I can't pop pills, I can't freak out and go crazy..what is left? Why am I so angry all the time? I know that I have many good reasons to be, but I can't seem to let them go! Oh how I wish to be set free. Yes, I am so scared at that thought I stay in my own prison. I read a book yesterday by my good freind courtenay, we have a lot in common through our lives. In her book she describes a vision of herself in a prison cell w/chains binding her wrist, upon closer examination in this vision, she see's that the chains are not locked together just merely draped tightly around them. Upon even closer examination she notices that the door to the prison cell is wide open! yet she chooses to stay in her own "safe" prison, never setting herself truly free. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God died for me, to set me free my from sins and past, yet I cannot seem to grasp the revelation of that freedom, the gift he has given me..freely! I am the one in that self made prison now. I want to be free, yet the thought of that freedom scares me so bad, that I am willing to stay in my own prison. Alone, afraid, tired, weary, depressed, defeated. How do I let myself out? HOW do I get the revelation I so desprately need to walk out of prison? I am in church every sunday, yet, by sunday afternnon, I am in my "comfy" prison cell again. I just don't understand how I have ended up this way.

30 days of truth..i forgot what day..

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

hmmmm..not really sure..can't say that I wish I didn't know any specific person, there are a few I wish I had met under different circumstances, however they were a necessary part of my life.

I guess if I have to choose, I would say my step-father (ex step dad) As he was my "abuser." More than anything though, I wish he would be accountable for what he did and how he destroyed my life. I know that will never happen, at least not here on earth. It gets easier with time to let him go, and what he did to me. My oldest daughter is now the age I was when he started to abuse me, so I am reminded more of what happend than in previous years, and have become VERY protective of my kids. I need to write him a "farewell letter", guess that's another topic for another day. In the meantime, I can say, "what goes around, comes around" and "karma's a bitch", oh! and "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord"..the last time I saw him, he had re-married his first wife, and she was on the list for a heart transplant, and he went from a high paying job to stocking shelves at wal-mart (no offense to those who may work there) I know it is a respectable job, but he worked in programming at a large bank and made well over 100K a year, so this was a downgrade for him. Anyway, see ya' BOB, and I pray one day God will deliver me from the anger I have lived with toward you, cause I am the only one paying for your crimes. May God have mercy on your soul, cause I don't.

30 days of truth- day 9 or 10 ..something like that! :)

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted...

My (guy) best friend, Charles. we met the summer of 5th grade, he was a skater boy, and I was IN LOVE! lol. The first time I ever snuck out of my house was to see him, I got caught by the barking dog next door, and was immediately grouded for a month! (I think this was the only time my mom stuck to a punishment) I was devistated, for a 6th grader to be grounded from her new "boyfriend" it was the end of life as I knew it, and out "relationship"..we stayed friends, and as the next couple of years passed by, he began to get into some trouble. His mother moved him out to Keystone (out in the "country") in hopes that the slower life would keep him on the strait and narrow. (little did she know that putting him in the middle of nowhere, only stirred his curiosity to get into MORE trouble out of sheer boredom!) anyway..we continued to stay freinds through letters and phone calls, and when it came time for graduation, He made sure I was there. It was the begining of a budding relationship for us once again, really we were just "there for each other" we both had busy lives, and lived about 1 1/2 hrs. away, so there was not a lot of time to spend together. We tried to get together once a month or so and spend a weekend together. charles was one of the only people I knew (growing up) that accepted me for me. No questions, no judgeing, no disagreements..just accepted me with open arms and loved me unconditionally. I wanted him to give me away at my wedding, but I guess after all we had been through over our years, it was too much emotion envolved. We still remained friends for several years, but things were never the same for us after I got married..I remember one year on my birthday David (my husband) planned a surprise party for me, he called Charles and invited him, but he did not come..I called to find out why, and he thought David was setting him up, he thought he was gonna get a "beat down" when he got to our house. LOL..eventually our friendship faded out. The last time we spoke was when I called to tell him I was pregnant with Ashlyn. I have no idea where he is now, last time I spoke to his mom (a few years ago) she said he lived near me, but I have yet to run into him. I miss him a lot. I pray that life has been good to him since we parted ways, and that one day I will see him when we get to heaven and he can fill me in on all that I have missed :)

30 Days of Truth- Day 8

time to get back in the groove..

Someone who made my life hell, or treated me like Poo.

Well there are probably a few people in my life who would fall into this category, but I really don't want to give them the credit the deserve (or more truthfully, want) so I'm just gonna say a few words about "them" without naming names and move on.

For starters, those who fall into this category.."What goes around comes around", Vengence is mine sayeth the Lord, and HE can do much worse then I could dream of.
People who harm children.."eye for an eye"

God is working on my heart for the things that I have lived through, I am not a judgemental person, however, My God is. I'll let him handle the rest. :)

Someone who has made my life worth Living for:

Well this may be "breaking the rules" but there are a few people I need to mention in this blog, cause without them, I truly would not be here...

First and foremost I must make mention of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, cause without him, NONE of us would be here..and I would not have been blessed with the others who have helped me through it ALL! Without God, my life would not be worth living.

My Mom and my grandmas..the women in my family are the true matriarchs that kept us all together, even when we wanted to take the others life. (and trust me, there were those days!) My mom was a single mom for a good portion of my younger years, and even when she did re-marry, she was careful (as possible) to not let my step-father take over my bio dad's position. She was mom and dad, and that is one tough role. She did her best, and I think she did pretty good. She has become one of my closest friends now that I am an adult, and I know as my mom she will always have my best interest at heart. my grandma (mom's mom) was truly the cream of the crop! She was so wise, funny, opinionated, a party animal, and had a heart of gold till her last breath. She would give you the last dime she had, and oozed the love of God every time you saw her. She was famous for her wisdom and all of my friends growing up adopted her as their own. I miss her more than anyone in my life that has gone on to be with the Lord. I miss her warm smile and incredible advice the most. She was always waiting with open arms and a big hug when I would visit her, she was famous for her chicken soup that would heal every sickness you could think of..to this day, even though I know the recipe, it does not taste the same, cause her secret ingredient of the special love she brought to it, is missing...
My best friend, Angela..we have know each other since we were 5 and 4 (we are 362 days apart) her dad and my mom dated in high school..so we really go WAY back! we are like female soul mates, it never ceases to amaze me the things we go through together and sometimes one right after the other. Where she is strong, I am weak and vice-verse. we are truly a compliment to each others personalities, and I know that I could not do this life without her!
My precious babies! ..they are the reason I wake up every morning, the reason I cling to this life when things are bleak, the reason I keep on keeping on..(other than God of course!) they are the light of my life. I am soooo blessed to have them. when I was a young 19 yr. old. I lost a baby 10 days before Christmas, to an ectopic pregnancy. I was told at that time due to insanely crazy female problems up to that point that I would probably not carry a baby to term and that I would more than likely need serious medical intervention in order to have kids, if I was that lucky. Yeah, thanks doc. well just over 1 yr. later, I was indeed pregnant, WITHOUT medical intervention, and with a HEALTHY baby girl! I did have complications, and I didn't carry to term..(term is 40 weeks) I carried to 38 weeks. so, little did this doctor know, that I serve a BIG GOD who can work miracles that are beyond what any human can comprehend! 2 more babies were to follow, now, I did have to have medical intervention w/those pregnancies, however, the "medical intervention" only got my body working again. (I had PCOS) basically, my body shut down the baby making for a while..the drugs I had to take got the motor running again, and I was able to get pregnant on my own, no drugs, no petrie dish, no donated eggs..Just the good ol' God given natural way..SO..than you JESUS, once again, your love never fails. Those babies you gave me are the love of my life!
and last but not least of them..my husband. YES! we have had a roller coaster of a ride so far, and even have almost divorced, twice! however, he has loved me beyond myself, and I am learning to do the same. It is much easier to walk away, then to look the issue in the eye and face it! I am a fighter, and I thrive on challenge, so, even though we are on this roller coaster, we are on it TOGETHER, and I would not have it any other way, cause I'm scared to death of heights!! lol.

so, there are the "main characters" that make my world go round..however, there are many people that have contributed to my life and made this world a better place to be. so, thank you to all my friends and family that have been there for me, and I pray all of you be blessed beyond measure.

30 days of truth- Day 6 (i think)

Something I hope I never have to do:

This one took me several days to think about..I still don't really have a good answer, as we all have the typical things we hope we never have to do. So, I guess I am going to list some things "bucket list" style.

1)I hope I NEVER have to go through the loss of a child. (that I have given birth to, as I did lose a child via eptopic preg.)
2)I hope I don't become a young grandma because someone has stolen the heart of my child and talked them into something they are not ready for.
3)I hope that I don't have to deal w/a divorce, I've come close a couple times (same marriage) and just the thought of all the pain is enough to make me fall apart.
4)I hope that I never permanently lose my integrity, compromise my character or live a life that does not leave some sort of legacy.
5)I hope that my children, (NEVER QUESTION) if they listen to nothing I have ever said to them, at least know the Love of God and the love that their father and I have for them is unconditional and forever eternal.

some random thoughts for the day- aug 24

So, this morning I had one of those moments you wish you could take back. one where instead of opening your mouth, you should have kept it shut or at least inserted your foot, instead of running the trap! unfortuately this "victim" was my poor unassuming daughter. I didn't say anything harsh, just shared some of MY feelings that should have waited for another time and place. I would rather it had been almost anyone else but her! hopefully God will hear my prayer, and remove any memory of our conversation.

also, this was posted to my FB page via the application "God wants you to know"...

"There is no WAY to happiness, happiness IS the way. Happiness does not come from seeking new landscapes, but from having new eyes on the same life you've always been living.

let's just say God has been reading my journal, blog and anything else I have written..not to mention what is on my heart!!!

OK, I'm off to my therapy appt. yeah, I'm in therapy! probably will be the rest of my life!

30 days of Truth - Day 5

Something I hope to do in my life:

I would really love to go back to school and obtain 2 degrees. I want to be a doctor, although I would settle for a nurse, and I want an arts degree. I love to help people, and I just feel it in my spirit. I also love the arts. Dancing, Photography, Painting, Drawing, anything that will allow me a creative outlet. Art is healing for me. I have been trying on and off to get back into school, but it must not be the right time, because something always gets in the way. When it is God's timing, it will happen smoothly. To be honest, there are so many other things going on in my life and around me, I kindof thank God for unanswered prayers. (for now anyway)

30 Days of Truth- Day 4

Something I have to forgive someone for:

wow! this one is going to be tough for me. I have actually 2 people I have to forgive. My biological father, and my (ex) step-father. I am not in a place where I can go into details as to their offenses to me. I have learned over the years that the more anger and bitterness I carry around for these 2 significant men in my life, the more depressed, anger and hurt I feel. I am coming to terms with the fact that in order to move on and walk in freedom, I must set my feelings free and give them completely and fully to God! I know..that is sooooo much easier said than done! I have forgiven them many times in prayer, and even said to one of them that I forgive him. However, I tend to pick up that anger and bitterness when it's convenient for me, when I'm having a bad day, month or year, When things are not going right for me, when life isn't working out the way I PLANNED. It's easy to blame others who have hurt you for the problems and issues we face, after all, it is their offenses that have caused you such undue pain and distress, thus bringing on complications in life. I am learning that the only way I will ever be free from my emotions and destructive feelings, is to walk in forgiveness. After all, does the Bible not say "ye who is without sin, cast the first stone?" God is no respector of persons, their sin, my sin, your sin, is all the same to God. There are no different "levels" of sin, even though it would be nice to be able to say that about some of the particurarly heinous ones. Thank You GOD for forgiving me for my wrong doings..and PLEASE help me to forgive those, as you have forgiven me. Show me how to extend your grace to those who have hurt me. Help me to see past what they have done to me, and see them with YOUR eyes God, to see through to their hearts, to find the good in them, and truly be able to let it go, and receive my freedom.

30 Days of Truth- Day 3

Something I have to forgive myself for:

My PAST..I know, most of us would probably say this. Some of us may embrace it, I hear a lot of people say "I don't regret anything from my past cause it made me who I am." I used to be one of those people. Some things from our past do shape who we are today, but there are a lot of things that I am not proud of, and do truly regret. I wish I had been taught more about self-respect and living with the choices I make. Sure my mom and others talked to me some about those things, but when I tested the waters so to speak, I was left to my own doing, and that is where the regrets piled up. I regret not being a virgin when I married my husband, I now know why it is so important to save that gift for your spouse. I recently heard a wise young man (son of a popular christian woman/author) say as he was speaking about sex on a youtube video he said "No wonder we have issues with staying together when we are married and have trouble giving themselves to just one person" basically I gave myself away one piece at a time for so long, that by the time I married my husband, there was nothing left of me to give. IT IS SOOO TRUE! and not just in the sex realm, I feel incomplete in so many ways from giving myself to others, in many ways. compromising my morals, and so on. I regret no making better choices for myself, such as staying in school (college) even, high school. I graduated w/ my GED, but sadly as lot of companies don't recognize a GED as an actual diploma. I am (was) trying to get back into college, but my past is now coming back to haunt me in trying to get re-enrolled. I know that I have been forgiven for my mistakes and poor choices, however it does not mean that I don't regret them and am now still paying for them to some degree. I tend to re-hash my past quite a bit, I have a difficult time moving on, and it has left me in a tough place as I am terrified of making decision now because I don't really trust myself, and that is a very sad, scary place to be. So, My PAST is what I need to forgive myself for and I pray that day will come..for the sake of myself and my children. I don't want to pass down this legacy.
here is the video I mentioned. It pertains to sex before marriage, but is good, and heartfelt:

30 Days of Truth- Day 2

Something I LOVE about myself:

UGH! this is soooo much harder to do then something I hate about myself. Why is that? let me see....

OH!

I LOVE that I have tremendous strength! well, in most situations. I am not talking about physical strength...I'm talking about the dig deep down into your soul kinda strength. The kind you tap into when you are praying for your sick child, or the kind of strength you need to forgive a wayward spouse, or to support a friend through cancer..THAT kind of strength! The kind that I never realized I had, until recently when I faced many of the situations mentioned. I have had a fairly typical life on the outside. Most people who are acquainted with me would think that my life is very "American dreamish" Bwahahahahaha..sorry. NOT EVEN CLOSE! In all fairness to those folks, I am pretty good at giving that perception. HOWEVER, if you REALLY know me, then you know my life has been intertwined w/many sorrows and struggles. All of which have given me a very deep strength, deeper than most, yet similar to others who have faced likewise trials. So, what I love about myself...
Is my DEEP INNER STRENGTH ..that is UNTOUCHABLE! That was put there by the most high God, cause only HE knows what I need to get through it all and STILL come out to be the very best I can be! (God knows I try!)

30 Days of Truth- Day 1

Before


Well I am hopping on the truth train, something I really need in my life. I hope I find out some things I need to know, and maybe face some truth that I have been avoiding? we'll see.. so here goes

Something I hate about myself:

That is fairly easy, right now anyway. I hate that I am overweight, and obviously have an addiction to food! I know a lot of people may be facing this issues, but for me to say that out loud or put that in writing is, well, overwhelming and very painful...I guess I should say "I hate food"..not my weight..or maybe I hate that I abuse food, and that in turn has caused me to be overweight..anyhow..I have never been a "fat minded" person. I was never overweight as a child. I never knew what it was like to shop in the plus size section as a teen or young adult. I was not a judgemental person toward others who struggled, as we all have our issues. It was not until I got married and started my family that I started to gain weight. At first I'm sure it was because I was not as active (even though I was at home w/a baby) I was not exercising as much, and not nearly as active as I was prior. I also started to deal with my emotions and past, with food. It became my "drug of choice" after all, I could not open a bottle of wine w/a baby in toe, or pop a pill to make me sleep or whatever. Food was "harmless" and gave me the desired effect of numbing and controlling my emotions whatever they may be at that moment. Believe me, they were all over the place! I hate that I use food as a coping mechanism. the ONLY one! Slowly, over the years my body has morphed from the young, slender, beautiful woman...to the overweight, overly emotional, out of control, food addicted woman. I really hate the person I have become through Food. What is supposed to be "a fuel to sustain life" has become "my way to avoid feeling life" and in turn, has turned me into the person I never thought I would be, or could imagine being. Truth hurts, but it also heals. The WORD says "The TRUTH shall set you free" not, "FOOD shall set you free"



After

Deep Breath.......OK. Done.

just a quick reflection

Just a reminder of where I've been..

Here, hold the bucket please...

So, the title was given to me by my therapist. It represents venting. When someone tells you to "hold the bucket" be prepared to catch whatever may come..and it ain't normally the good stuff.

So, why do people who vehimiatley protest that they LOVE you, kick you when your down? would you kick an injured dog? NO! (well, most of us wouldn't) I don't understand why people you are closest to feel as if they can tear you apart, whenever they feel like it, say whatever is on their mind, regardless of the company around, regardless of the content, regardless of how it will make you feel. I really just don't get strait up MEAN people! Sure, the Bible says that there is a time to be angry, but not unprovoked anger! what is with that? Why is it ok, that if someone says they love you, and that they are sorry after the offense occurred, that it's not "abuse". IT IS abuse! just because that person is over their two year old tempter tantrum, and apologizes, doesn't mean that what they did was OK! Especially if it occurs often! So, what if this person was part of your extended family, and helps you out often? what if this person is a major infulence on your signifigant other? What can you do to STOP it? what can you do to stop it, keep the peace and possibly keep others from suffering? I don't recall having a tattoo or neon sign on my forhead that says..wipe feet here! I am not YOUR doormat!!! Ok..bucket full..for now. I'll be back for a re-fill later..belive me, this is just the TIP of the iceburg, and I'm the Titanic!

yes, i'm back. for now. until this thing makes me mad again!

I'M BBBAAACCKKKKK!!! I know, I'm wishy washy..I can't make up my mind, and I quit (or run) when I get frustrated. hence the name of the blog! I'm over trying to think of some catchy or cutsie title for my blog, for my whole ONE reader! lol. This is me, and parts of my life..some good, some not so good. Take it or leave it. I'm a simple yet complicated person, and don't even understand myself most days (at least for now) I keep my therapist in business, when I'm not talking to God. I need to be on prozac, but HATE medicine as I have been down that road many times. I am just trying to be a good mom, not screw up my kids, be a good wife that is loyal and honest, and above all serve God to the best of my ability. Right now, today, I'm not doing so well..I'm quite stressed and want to exercize my authoratative arm on my best friend's child and need a strong drink to calm me down. lol. It's just one of those days!!

Seriously...TGFH! (Thank God for Husbands!)

Man, am I eating a big ol' piece of HUMBLE PIE this week!!!
My husband had to go out of town this week for work. This doesn't happen often, but I cringe every time it does! You see, every time he has had to go out of town, the world crashes down! I don't know what it is, maybe I am cursed? One of the first times he had to go, Kirsten was a baby, in fact it was the week she had her first birthday..the morning before her birthday she woke up and could not breath, she was as white as a ghost..I took her to her Dr. (he was right around the corner) and he sent us strait to the hospital. She spent her first birthday in the hospital! She also learned to walk while there. My husband's company was willing to fly him home on an emergency flight, but we opted not to as she was stable and my mom and his dad were with us..and that was just the first trip! I've been in a car accident while he was gone, and many other issues! This time no one ended up in the hospital or in a wreck, however, I did have car trouble, my truck we've had for about 6 years ran HOT for the first time, I mean really HOT, the needle above the red line hot. I had one of my daughter's tumbling coaches check the fluids and they were fine. My father in law insisted he bring me his truck to drive home and he took our truck I also received some earth shaking news that if we did not pay our HOA fees they would put a lein on our house, and put us into immediate foreclosure (you know what I have to say to that? TAKE IT PLEASE!) GREAT! I did not know they were not paid yet, we'll get that taken care of, but the point of it all is I realize, I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE! I commend all you single parents who do this alone all the time! I realized how much I depend on my husband to help make things run smoothly! Seriously, I'm about to pop a zanex (is that even spelled right? it's obvious I don't take that stuff!) lol. Anyway, so as he is on his way home from Charlotte, I am busting tail to make sure he is welcomed home to a clean, peaceful home..where he will be greeted with a HUGE thank you and apology for my arrogance that I "Got this" HA! I know now..I DON'T! Jesus is teaching me A LOT lately, one of them is unconditional LOVE for myself, husband and family...with a special focus on my husband, as we have had the most trying year of our life together. Lesson learned, notes taken..now, PLEASE JESUS..don't send him out of town again..for a LONG TIME..for I'm afraid the next time our house my burn down around us! LOL (not literally I hope, but figuratively)..oh yeah, on a funny side note, I now LOATHE gum!!! my husband has always had this disdain for gum, and I just could not get why he would get so mad if he saw someone spit gum out. He said that he always steps in it, which I know is gross, but not a huge deal, more inconvenient than anything..HOWEVER...this morning as I was leaving the store (in a hurry I might add) I stepped in gum, now mind you, I live in FLORIDA where the heat index is around 110 every day..this gum was liquefied..and now, it is ALL over the bottom of my shoe, and to make matters worse, I did not discover it until I put my foot on the floorboard of my father in laws truck (he is a CLEAN FREAK) this will not make him a happy camper! Then it found it's way to the bottom of my jeans, yeah, you ever try to get gum out of clothes!? Luckily one of the items I just purchased was baby wipes, so, our way to ballet, my prissy daughter was wiping gum off my shoe (which I secretly LOVED!) I promptly called my husband and said "you will NEVER hear me complain again about your disdain for gum as I now share it) I hung up the phone and found the gum had metastasised to my bare foot and ankle and up the leg of my jeans!

Awesome Read (Sexual Abuse Survivors)

I found this link today, man..it was really powerful! If you are a sexual abuse survivor or even still living in an abusive situation, PLEASE read this!

http://bradhambrick.com/wp/sexualabuseisaiah53/

Unconditonal Love is a CHOICE! (long post)

This is my husband David and I celebrating our 12th Anniversary in March of this year. 11 1/2 years longer than anyone gave us to be married. From the start there were conditions to our marriage and a major lack of faith from our "supporters." We did not have the conventional courtship to say the least, in fact, we did everything backwards and wrong according to social standards, and to be frank, Godly standards as well. David and I only dated for a couple months before we married, and I was pregnant when we decided to marry. A lot of people felt as if I was trapping David, or that we were getting married for the wrong reasons. I can see how people would feel that way, after all, me being pregnant did influence our decision, but it was not the ONLY reason. Our marriage started out with many conditions. One of them being conditional love. I don't think we ever sat down and said, "now I'm only gonna love you if you do the laundry and take out the trash", no it wasn't that black and white, we just fell into a routine and life so fast, that we never took the time to focus on what Love truly was and how it needed to be the biggest role in the survival of our marriage. Fast forward 12 HARD years, and here we are, JUST learning about unconditional love for one another. It's a lot harder than I ever thought it would/should be. Love is a CHOICE, not just and emotion. sure, when he is on his A-game and doing all things right and great, it's easy to love him without making a choice to do so, it comes naturally. HOWEVER, there are those moments when we BOTH fall short of our A-game and mess up horribly and those are the days this LOVE thing does not come so naturally and we have to CHOOSE to continue to love each other with a pure, forgiving, and loving heart. I am currently doing the "LOVE DARE" on my husband. I am only on day 3, but I am amazed at what I am learning and what God is showing me about true, unconditional love. It's really putting me on my duff! It's been very hard to look in the mirror at how much I have lacked in loving, forgiveness, and selflessness. I am VERY selfish, I didn't realize till now, cause it's not like it was an outward, obvious trait, in fact, I am told often at how unselfish I am and how I should think of myself more, which, ironically is the most selfish act of all. I am so glad I am taking the Journey with Courtney@Women Living Well, learning how to be the wife my husband needs. I pray that through the journey of being the wife he needs, he will become the husband I need as well, and that we will BOTH discover that unconditional love is a choice that we both choose to make, and eventually it will become as natural and beautiful as God's perfect love for us.

Married Ladies - Are You up for a summer Challenge?

I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a great, encouraging blog recently.
It's called "Women living Well" What woman do you know who doesn't want to live well?
Here is Courtney's like to her website, you can find her blog from there. http://www.womenlivingwell.org/ or you can link up to her blog from that button over on the right that says "Completing Him Challenge" This summer she has issued a challenge for us wives who want to better ourselves and our relationships with our husbands, by becoming the wife our husband needs. It is truly a challenge and a blessing to become a better wife, and to see what God will do with our obedience. I'm up for the challenge, are you? Come join us!

Monday Minute with Ian

Ian @ The Daily Dose of Reality

OK..since my kids are in school, I am going to answer for my oldest daughter, Kirsten, whom I can predict her answers best! Here we go...

1) What is your favorite book/story?
Deep Down Popular

2) What do you want to do when you grow up?
Be a nurse/doctor, and dance teacher

3) What is your favorite game?
Manhunt- (the newest version of hide and go seek!)

4) What is your favorite food?
Spaghetti and Ribs! (not at the same time!)

5) Who is your favorite music artist?
Justin Beiber and Taylor Swift

DID and Me

recently it was brought to my attention by a dear friend that I could possibly be dealing with something called DID (dissociative identity disorder) when i looked it up, it did say specifically to be diagnosed that you must clearly have 2 distinctive personalities. I know that i don't have 2 different personalities, however, I do something else it talks about, and that is to detach. i went to a website that i was told about and read an article, here is the link: http://www.survivormanual.com/2010/04/dissociative-identity-disorder-an-analogy/
I really related to the way the writer described the feeling and how this can happen. I remember growing up feeling detached from life, but only in certain situations, and i could never understand what i felt or what to call it. I just felt depressed frequently. abuse was my way of life, self abuse. mainly in the form of an eating disorder and promiscuity. I know now as an adult that these are common things that victims experience. until i became an adult, i don't think i felt like a victim, it was just the way life was, and that's the cards i was dealt. for some reason in the last year or so this detachment has become much worse, to the point that i don't even know how to deal with the simple things in life. the things I do are very robotic. laundry, cleaning, running errands. I feel no joy, just detached and empty from everything that is precious to me. it is absolutely heartbreaking to walk around my house and feel like i don't belong here, to look at my kids and feel like i am no longer capable of being a good mom, to look at my husband and feel like we are strangers. to have no desire to do anything and not know or fully understand why. why so suddenly? why me? why now? why this? I know God has a plan and purpose for everything, its just very hard when your walkin' through it. hence..Egypt.

Anger Management

Lately I've been dealing with some serious anger issues. Through the combination of being diagnosed with a disease that I had to change my whole lifestyle over and recovering from a broken marriage (which is working on being restored) I'm just kinda over it all, and angry about everything. I wake up angry and go to bed angry. I realize that the anger is only truly hurting me in the long run, most of the time my husband doesn't even know I'm mad at him, unless I give him the cold shoulder. I can only be mad at myself if I eat something that makes me sick. (which is almost everything these days) I'm angry at my dad for waiting 30 years to have a relationship with me. I'm angry at my abuser for stealing my innocence and my life. I'm angry at so many things that I have no control over. I hate all the anger I feel, before I even got out of bed this morning I prayed for God to remove all the hate and anger I am feeling, cause like I said I do realize I am only hurting myself..in fact I think it's a huge reason that all my efforts to feel better physically are in vein. I've been trying to find healthy ways to get rid of and control the anger. Mostly prayer, but cleaning, venting to a friend, and exercize are also ways I've been copeing. I am also in therapy once a week. But nonetheless, here I am writing about anger. I know it's can be a healthy emotion, after all God says that it's ok to be angry, just not to sin in anger. I'm still on the fence with that. OH I believe God's word is true, just not sure If I am capeable of not sinning while angry. :) Is it healthy to want to make your husband hurt the way he hurt you when he slept with another woman and said terrible things to you? I know that literally I don't want to hurt him..I just want him to feel what I felt. I want to be able to sit down for dinner at a restaurant and order off the menu (right now, ain't happenin', I have to bring my own bland boring food), I would love to see my abuser pay for his crime, although that will never happen cause statues of limitations have more than run out (and I have no evidence) I just have to trust that God says "vengence is mine, sayeth the Lord" and I know he can do way worse than me! What are some ways YOU cope with anger?

so my blog is titled "in the moment", and in all honesty that is how i try to live my life. I know we are not promised tomorrow, and most of the time my life is a little to crazy and unscheduled to not just stay "in the moment". however after a horrible year I have found myself totally detached from life and its innerworkings. I feel detached from my family, from my faith (not sayin' i don't have faith) just not feelin' close to it, I'm just not feelin' any joy or frankly, not feelin' anything. It's kinda strage for me too, I mean, I've had my days of feeling far away from things in life, but never to the degree of what I am dealing with right now. so, for me, "in the moment" has become literally that! just trying to get through the day has become a daunting task instead of an enjoyable adventure, cleaning house has pretty much ceased! (sorry to my family) The joy and zeal i used to have for life and love...is gone. It's truly heartbreaking to feel this way. sorry, I know this particular day on this blog is not an enjoyable read..but hey, it's me and my life and this is what i'm feelin' today.

Looking for Inspiration

Okay!
so this blogging thing has turned out tougher then I thought it would be! when you first start out you (or at least I) thought I'd have so much to say and talk about, which I do have some thoughts to share..but getting all that mess together is a big overwhealming for me at this point in my life..so, I thought maybe some of you seasoned bloggers can give me some inspiration or ideas on things to specifically talk about. please someone..help me get on my bloggie feet! :)

fresh starts

WOW! It's been a very long time since I have posted anything, frankly, I forgot for a while that I even had this account, and really wasn't in the mood to "talk". Obviously there is a lot to fill you in on, but, Rome was not built in a day either. So, for starters..I am still married to an even better man! I am still a mom of 3, but recently one of my BFF's moved in with her 2 daughters so now i guess i am a surrogate mom to 2 more kids and 1 more dog! we currently have 2 dogs of our own as well. so, in a 1800 sq ft. home we have 3 adults, 5 kids and 3 dogs! good thing there is a lot of love and patience to go around! (Thank you JESUS) Kirsten is now 11 years old (going on 25) Ashlyn is 7, and Ayden is 6. They are all trying to find their own way and are generally good kids w/sporadic momentary laps of insanity. Kirsten is a ballerina, Ashlyn is about to start gymnastics (thank God, cause I cringe every time she tries to do flips in the yard!) and ayden is the typical boy who loves baseball and fishing. we are on the outside a very typical, "normal" American dream family. BUT, open the doors to our home and lives, and you will see something very different. LOL. Welcome BACK to my world, where everything moves at an alarming rate most days as I am learning to stay "in the moment" if i venture out, the results are not so pretty! lol